Breaking My Heart

As children you never think about having to grow up and have adult responsibilities. Life is always grand, the biggest worry you have as a child is what to pack for your lunch or who to play with on the play ground. What you don’t realize when you are wishing you could be older is all of the emotions, the difficult tasks, and the adult responsibilities that come with that one simple wish.

I recently have had my life turned upside down. My mom has been in ICU for a week and I am faced with so many emotions. I am sitting in the hospital room as the nurses work with her on life support thinking all the possible what ifs and should haves. Not only do I have a million different emotions rolling through my body I am faced with all of the adult responsibilities. Paying your loved ones bills, not knowing where to begin, taxes, rehab facility possibilities all while trying to maintain my full time job, school, and sanity.

I am not an emotional person, sometimes I think I don’t even have feelings because certain things do not bother me. That was until last night when I literally cried like a baby the whole way home. I just keep thinking I am too young for this, this is not something you think will have at my age. Not only am I upset , but I am trying to see what Gods plan is. Talking to someone on life support is so heart breaking. You want to help , you want to say it will be okay, and you want to know they can hear and understand you .

I feel for anyone who has to go through such a difficult time with a loved one. I know I am sitting here thinking of all the times I should have been more understanding or had more compassion. I should have loved more, what if I don’t get the chance? I want a mother at my wedding since I do not have a father. I want my children to have the chance to have a grandmother. Better yet, I still need her to confide in and support me. I hope the big man upstairs realizes her life is not over yet, heal her.

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